February 5, 2008 at 11:49 pm (Размишления)

Умереният ход на влака и горещината в купето бяха приспали хората. Може би ранният час на пътуването, а може би безсънната нощ, която бяха прекарали беше причина за неустоимата умора приземила се върху клепачите им.

На нея също й се спеше. Но не можеше да заспи. Слушаше разни стари песни на новия си mp3 плейър. И сълза след сълза тихо се стичаше по бузата й. Много внимателно, да не би да падне върху главата му, намерила подслон в скута й, и да го събуди.

Беше неизбежна – раздялата, болката! Сълзата! В името на по-доброто утре! По-добро за нея, за него, за другите. And this is how it is / No more looking back / Love has finally left us / And it’s gone away…”

Или може би още не – любовта още не си беше отишла, затова болеше; затова сълзите пареха лицето й като капчици киселина. Любовта отива ли си някога? Ако изобщо се случва, със сигурност дълго след всичко друго, след надежда, след вяра, след живота…

И така, пътуването продължаваше! Търсенето също! “Жалко,” помисли си тя. “Тук почти имаше надежда” – вече не! Тя беше уморена. Дяволски уморена! Тъкмо беше намерила пристан, където да може да остане известно време да си почине и бе принудена да разбере, че това убежище въобще не е толкова стабилно, колкото изглеждаше. Зад бляскавите рекламни табели по брега, то представляваше една едва държаща се над земята паланка. Първият ураган щеше да отнесе кея и всички пясъчни хотелчета във формата на кули по брега.

Не, тук тя нямаше да намери подслон за дълго! Търсенето продължаваше! Мисията не беше изпълнена. “Пък и все пак трябва да стигна до там, докъдето съм тръгнала, нали? Вкъщи ме очаква!”

Да, очакваше я вкъщи! Но къде? И кога?…

Тя посегна рязко към лицето си и изтри издайническите мокри пътечки от бузите. Той беше отворил очи.


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How do you imagine

February 5, 2008 at 11:21 pm (Reflections)

“And how do you imagine this, living together with him thing, a person so like you?”

“And how do you imagine us, living, apart? In your universe, maybe… in his, we are where we are. My universe is different! And I slowly keep erasing every speck of dust from it, until it turns into a… Nothing…”

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February 5, 2008 at 11:12 pm (Reflections)

– Here, go play, little child! Why are you sad? What all the sad songs for, why the tears, why the sorrow in your silent cry?
What have you seen that we have not that kills your hope?
Be happy, be smiling, greet the world with the tenderness of your look! You have yet to live, to suffer, to cry in anger, and to turn away, to roam fields undiscovered! 

– Where you have been, I come from, stranger. But where am I going from here? I lost the path, this is. My way led to a world unknown, and ever more unreal. It’s the tears of a sad, sad farewell, and a happy, happy hello! It’s just a shell you see; the sorrow inside you can’t. The shell too bound to let go, the one everyone is so used to seeing; that one you don’t want to see beyond. This is the sadness of my eyes – it masks the prison bars that hold a spirit freer than your eyes can see. You call me child, yet do you think you’ve seen more than me, old man? Have you known the healing touch of summer rain or were you too scared hiding under your umbrella? Ever listened to that lark telling tales of ancient times underneath your window every morning? Or did you fall asleep too late this morning?


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February 5, 2008 at 11:06 pm (Reflections)

Is that when it’s really over now? Strange, I felt like it was over even before it started. Clash of civilizations… it never brought anything else but destruction. You are a realist, aren’t you? A hard core realist, one that’s so convinced in the smallness and harshness of his own damn real world that you’re blind to the real vastness of the world and all the opportunities it offers.

And I, the fool, strangely enough, thought there was a bit of soul in you… Or maybe I was right – there was a bit of soul. There was in all of us, once…

What could have happened? That is my struggle now, and for eternity – what happens? What happens to us all? What does it take to lose your soul? Am I still fighting for a long-lost cause? How do you give faith to someone who doesn’t want to believe? Are we all lost?… If all the unicorns are gone, what are we doing here?…


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We’re part of the story

February 5, 2008 at 10:16 pm (Reflections)

“We’re part of the story, part of the tale, sometimes beautiful, sometimes insane…”

It’s all about the story, Paul! It’s all about the experiences, the feelings. It’s not about who’s better and who’s worse, it’s not about ratings, it’s not even about money or prestige. It’s about the experiences. It’s about the lives we change and the ones that change us. Seeing is more than believing, seeing is feeling. One thing science classes are right about – lab is the most important part of learning. Though hard to admit for a passionate theorist like me, it wasn’t until I started going through the lab of life that I realized it.

And who can tell me what’s better or worse for me, to try this or slow down? I’m taking all the risks. It’s now. It’s what I want. So one day there will be no I’m-sorrys or I-could-haves. Cause I know it’s my way that way. And I despise the ones who left their way in pursuit of what someone else told them to be better. What is better than freedom? What is better than learning life anew each day? What is better than remembering who you really are? What is better than living?


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In Joy And Pain

February 5, 2008 at 8:26 pm (Reflections)

In joy and pain… Why aren’t you here now, my Friend? Why am I not? Can you share my joy, or whenever I hurt just as much? As much as when you were next to me?… Remember the nights? Remember when we used to talk, share dreams under the velvet softness of the moon, and Mars?… ‘How come, you care about Mars?’…

Leaves are falling, a reflection of a golden sunset blinds me from the water surface… And round, and round, and round… Time to go! Till next time! See you soon! To wipe my tears again, bring a smile to my face, just like no one could before, or after… Sing me a song, of your beauty, of your kingdom, as Nightwish whisper. Beautiful kingdoms I’ve seen now – many places under the sun, but there is no beauty with no one to share it. There is nothing but a fake smile, there is no feeling… there is no ‘I belong’.

Away, away in time… too far away from home. And each step leading farther… There is no Home, without a Friend, without a trustful heart, there is no home without people to forgive your weakness and mistakes, to have the patience to teach you what you desire most! To give as much as you can never repay! How can I express my gratitude in meaningless words? How can I say I thank you, when all I owe you cannot be expressed? How can a creature just as wrong as I ever say it right…

Forgive me! Forgive me for not being there! For missing time and place, for laughing when I should have cried, for crying when I should have laughed! Forgive me for tearing not one, but two worlds apart, forgive me for being senseless to what I should have felt!… Forgive, but please, do not forget!


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What I fear

February 5, 2008 at 7:50 pm (Reflections)

What do I fear?… The end! The End of The Story! Of any good story! The thought that it’s over! The beauty and the memories it kept for me – it’s all over! You put the CD in the box and never think of it again… Or is only when: “Hi, my name is [.]. Oh, btw, have you seen this cool movie [.]? It’s amazing, you totally have to see it!”

This is the worst thing about stories – they’re eventually over! But you have to move on! Keep up the fight! Find another, if necessary, but never say die! Never dare say die! Shed a tear, here or there, and soon you will forget! You swore you never will, but time’s stronger than your promises! Time’s stronger than stories! Time’s always stronger… And it does eventually win! Be it for the greatness of the short happy moments, be it for the wisdom of age, be it for the sense of infinity… Until it Ends!… That’s right John, until time ends… Then we’ll all be at peace!

But as long as time goes, there will always be war, and we’ll always be soldiers, losing battles and creating stories! Or winning battles and losing stories! But here they were wrong – you will ALWAYS be alone! Doesn’t it feel incredible? Great? Or incredibly… sad!

Yes, my wise philosophers of the German classics – matter more hateful than I could bear to read! We are ALWAYS alone! Maybe not lonely for a time or two, but alone – for as long as time. For there are no two identical human beings in this world or any! For there are no two identical pieces of matter on the face of this earth or any! For there are no souls identical to each other! For not even God counts Himself as three identical Characters (or He would combine them), but three parts of the same Being! And if we accept that there could be somebody at least similar to each of us, then there are these people who will never meet or be together for their being similar.


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Journals? Nah. I’ve got my email.

February 5, 2008 at 6:49 pm (Reflections)

When I was a kid, I used to keep a journal. You know, from the kind in which you report what you had for breakfast and how many times you spotted the cute guy sitting 2 tables down the row in your class. I stopped this nonsense around the time I got my first serious boyfriend. I mean, who needs a journal when you can talk to a real person, and better yet – you might learn a thing or two from trying to listen? That’s the problem with the blanc page most of the time – you can’t learn anything from it. And I discovered around that time I was this selfish lazy egoist who needed to get something back for what she does. Well, if I’ve put the effort of throwing things out in the open, dressing sensations into words, hey, I needed to get something back. I needed a lesson. A reason. (“… got to get back to a reason…” – TSO keep singing in my head). Yeah, all kinds of reason(s). Както причина, така и… другото.

Then I found myself alone again, and there used to come this sporadic desire to start writing journal entries again. I even tried with a couple of somewhat successful travel journals, one describing a trip to Sweden, the other – my first ‘on-my-own’ trip to Vancouver, CA(nada). But sooner or later there just wasn’t enough time left for taking a look around and recording real life. But hey, I discovered that I only need to open my email, or get on skype and…

Well, not that I felt any less alone, but maybe a little tiny bit less lonely. Who knows. At any rate, I ended up not having enough time to think that much about it. Only to feel it – the loneliness. Hence I became less than patient with words, and if there’s something I can pass without replying to — hell, I will. Come on, people, feel it! How are we gonna develop our super-powers like telepathy and empathy and God-knows-what-athy if we keep relying on these alienating conglomerations of letters. And they all look the same, on top of it! Yeah, I’m not sure I believe it quite yet. That’s why I keep replying to emails, and spend endless hours on skype.

So, yeah, if you wanna reach me – you know I’m online. Even if I’m not. So, drop me an email. Unless you really feel me. Then please, call. I wanna hear your voice. I might even tell you a thing or two.

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Да ти напиша ‘обичам’

February 5, 2008 at 3:58 am (Uncategorized)


Какво ще значи, да ти напиша ‘обичам’
‘меченце,’ ‘сладурче’ да те наричам?

Че искам – да можех! Да исках, наистина?
А ти? Че ако искаме – можем, и се превръщаме в истина.

Но тия думи не предават и звук от това, което изпитвам.
Тия думи не носят и зрънце смисъл. Излитат.

Като всички усмивки, във скайп, айсикю или яху.
Когато видиш, че всички истини вече умряха.

Вече не чатя… съществено. Да ти чуя гласа предпочитам.
С глас е по-трудно човек във лъжи да се врича.

Какво ще значи, да ти напиша, че ‘мразя’?
С изпепеляваща страст, всичко по пътя си газя.

Пази се – ще страдаш! А се наричаш приятел –
Пусни ме, не искам да страдаш! В предател

си позволи да се влюбиш. Чудовище, героиня,
романа на чийто живот превърна я в просякиня.

И само днес ми остана… да ти напиша ‘обичам.’
Без нескопосани строфи да роня, без лъжи да изричам…

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