It’s all a lesson…

May 13, 2013 at 2:26 am (Reflections)

… in not caring. Not caring what happens beyond the walls.

I understand, it’s ok, kids. I understand how much you don’t understand. And it’s all ok, it’s all part of it. Learning, growing, life. Stuff I’m not sure I believe in or care much about lately. God knows I hope you do care about these things, cuz mankind is doomed otherwise. Cuz, just like Timo, “it’s hard for me to comprehend what life is all about.”

I’ll shed some random tears on some random night, for some things you don’t understand, and then some more for other things that I don’t understand, and I’ll just not care again, cuz there’s rarely been anything anyone can say that will hurt me, there, behind the wall of the fortress of cold.

Not since — not since the Wind, that bastard, playing his tunes on a mountain top afar, sending me chunks of words he hopes I understand. But I don’t. I don’t care now. He’s not by my side, he was an illusion, I know now. Where were you, Wind, for five years? And before? All these nights I begged, I cried and died. Do you think anything inside me is still alive? For more than a night? After I’ve betrayed all we used to day-dream about? Do you think I care?

Not since — not since Death. I don’t care to ask you anything tonight, my Frienemy! Go scare someone else tonight! Life is scarier than you nowadays, on this Friday night, under the desert stars. The fear, captured in a picture. Aperture 3.5, shutter speed at 30sec, ISO 3200. And yet, I don’t even care enough to share it with these people who wonder why I’m being cruel. And it’s strangely ok. We don’t necessarily speak the same language, they and I, except for maybe one or two. That’s why I have Reflections. It’s the reason I’ve always had Reflections.  

Aye, foolish of me to say. I care about my cold fortress of my made-up worlds, don’t I? Ain’t that why I sometimes get all wound-up and end up discarding reality, making real people suffer? Aish, if I only cared! People are so fragile and flimsy, they betray you when you need them most. Just like me in this body. They’re asleep, or busy, or all wrapped-up in their lives, and their learning, and their growing. Good, that’s how it should be! People should inspire other people. How else are they going to preserve this so-precious Life I know so little of? The universe would be a really messed-up place if it weren’t that way. Aye, “my reputation is the one of a fool,” but who cares about us fools, Tobi? Can you love someone else before you know how to love yourself? Can you care about something, before you learn how to care at all?

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