— I just want to fall asleep and not wake up. Ever. It’s the days when the answer is “No, Jon.”
And then I go to my friends posts – I want to know they are ok. And they are – sometimes, and sometimes not, and some are posting beautiful things, and even then I can’t bring myself to be happy. And some just pretend to be, but it should be ok, though, cuz they are still strong enough to feign happiness. It should be enough, cuz they are still able to share the beautiful and the happy. I used to be that strong. Now I just want to sleep. Alone. Not pick up the phone, and have the world forget about me until it’s too late. Until it doesn’t matter anymore.
I’ve contemplated including them in these conversations. Asking for advice, in the hope of selfishly sucking some energy, trying to feel what they feel and take what works for me. But I can’t. I’ve become too — inconstant. And I have no right. They need me better than this, I need me better than this. How do I get better if I perpetuate the feeling of “not right”? Besides, they need their energy for the battles they are fighting. God knows they are fighting much bigger fights – after all, I’m only fighting for my life, and they are fighting for others, and for beauty, and I, on average, have it much easier, so who am I to try and take that energy? I’m selfish, very very selfish, but I’m not that self-centered to not be able to recognize that the world is not at my disposal. Anymore.
I catch a glimpse of your pain (lesson/memory?) occasionally. I can’t say sorry enough times, my Friend, my oldest, strongest friend, for picking up all these fights over the years, for your bleeding, and for the fights we will have in the future, and for being — me. I’m sure I’ll be better tomorrow, it’s the comfort of the night alone at home, the shared feelings of some fictional characters and the alcohol that let me open the gates and let the monsters out to play. I have to be better tomorrow!