The longing heart knows no happiness

May 5, 2014 at 1:39 am (Reflections)

It drives progress, some will say, exploration and discovery. Progress comes from a necessity for something new, something we did not yet have. But it’s a vicious cycle – as soon as you discover, see, experience, you ask “what’s next?” You launch into a world of new unknowns and conflicting fears.

I see happy faces of happy people all around me. Sure, I know all of you have your struggles and your demons, and yet it seems like – I always miss most what I don’t have. I spent my youth longing to be different (or to fit in? I can’t tell.) And I never really needed it. I needed neither to be different – I already was, nor to fit in – it didn’t make me happy when I did. I was broken. I am broken. And that’s ok. That’s my struggle. It’s always been my struggle to wail after my longing heart and try to quench an insatiable thirst.  I wish I could say I’ve always been broken, but that would be a lie. I broke myself, because I wanted to be different, and when I couldn’t take the burden of that choice, I froze, and stuffed myself into a shell of comfort and oblivion. Can you hear me bang against the steely walls at night? Oh, certainly it helped me none to visit the cemetery every year for a new funeral.

Everything I ever knew, a whole lifetime away, just gone, in months, before I even started a new life. I was stranded, on the edge of a new world, and all I could do was cry over all the missed opportunities of the past. I didn’t know what else to do or how else to live. So very little mattered anymore, not even the future. Especially not the future. It was the first time I felt afraid of time. And I broke. Who was there, beside me, I ask, to pick up the pieces? Sure, I can blame facebook and my one thousand “friends.” But the truth is – I broke myself. I froze in time.

As I’m slowly trying to thaw the ice from the inside, I’m so very confused. And why would I make it easy on myself, of course, I had to pick an environment with so many distractions and so many opportunities! Ideas. At least I have ideas now. Far away from the satisfaction of completion, they’re helping pick me up, piece by piece, song by song, word by word, tear by tear.

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