The longing heart knows no happiness

May 5, 2014 at 1:39 am (Reflections)

It drives progress, some will say, exploration and discovery. Progress comes from a necessity for something new, something we did not yet have. But it’s a vicious cycle – as soon as you discover, see, experience, you ask “what’s next?” You launch into a world of new unknowns and conflicting fears.

I see happy faces of happy people all around me. Sure, I know all of you have your struggles and your demons, and yet it seems like – I always miss most what I don’t have. I spent my youth longing to be different (or to fit in? I can’t tell.) And I never really needed it. I needed neither to be different – I already was, nor to fit in – it didn’t make me happy when I did. I was broken. I am broken. And that’s ok. That’s my struggle. It’s always been my struggle to wail after my longing heart and try to quench an insatiable thirst.  I wish I could say I’ve always been broken, but that would be a lie. I broke myself, because I wanted to be different, and when I couldn’t take the burden of that choice, I froze, and stuffed myself into a shell of comfort and oblivion. Can you hear me bang against the steely walls at night? Oh, certainly it helped me none to visit the cemetery every year for a new funeral.

All I knew, a whole lifetime away, just gone, in months, before I even started a new life. I was stranded, on the edge of a new world, and all I could do was cry over all the missed opportunities of the past. I didn’t know what else to do or how else to live. What else to do. So very little mattered anymore, not even the future. Especially not the future. It was the first time I felt afraid of time. And I broke. Who was there, beside me, I ask, to pick up the pieces? Sure, I can blame facebook and my one thousand “friends.” But the truth is – I broke myself. I froze in time.

As I’m slowly trying to thaw the ice from the inside, I’m so very confused. And why would I make it easy on myself, of course, I had to pick an environment with so many distractions and so many opportunities! Ideas. At least I have ideas now. Far away from the satisfaction of completion, they’re helping pick me up, piece by piece, song by song, word by word, tear by tear.

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