Not going anywhere, but not here, either.

December 3, 2018 at 1:23 am (Reflections)

“It’s not you, it’s – well, it’s not me, either.”

“Well, I’m not going anywhere, remember?”

“You may not be going anywhere, but it’s not like you’re here, with me, either. It just doesn’t look like you have space for me in your life. Everything I feared two months ago, before we embarked on this “adventure,” has come true: the time of ‘I need more’ has come and you’re simply not able to give me what I need. I keep thrashing against the walls of my rational existence and I find no solutions, no way out of our perfectly organized lives. I know what I need: a kindred soul, to see the world as I do, to make me feel less lonely on this horrible journey through life, to spend time with me and show me a new perspective on this noose I have around my neck. How I miss my freedom, but freedom is nothing but a wasteland for me right now!

And it seems like I can’t give you what you need, either. Otherwise, why the constant drinking? Are you trying to drink yourself into oblivion each night, each party? Do you feel as trapped as I do, in circumstances of our own choosing, of love and comfort, and everything laid out and planned, life simple, and, at the end of the day, satisfactory, because, it was our choices that created it? Do you wish for something else at night? A bit of excitement, perhaps, a breath of exotic fresh air? Is that what I am to you? Are you done yet, convincing yourself that I may be able to solve your problems? Because I can’t. And you can’t solve mine, either. I tried. I truly hoped. You were one thing I hadn’t tried before. And it was fun, the conversations, and the revelations, and everything else. There was a glimmer of hope and inspiration, but it only lasted for a fleeting moment. And then you started forgetting. You forgot me!!

Please, don’t misunderstand, I have no doubt you love me. And please, don’t doubt that I love you, too. But the time has come where declarations of love are not enough. It’s being there, with me, that counts way more today. So, my darling, I love you, and farewell!”


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