Where to, when faith is lost?

August 18, 2014 at 6:26 pm (Reflections)

It’s almost ironic. You know when you’re little and you hear all the time “believe in yourself,” “ you can be anything you want to be,” etc., except, no one really believes in you, cuz you’re just an ordinary kid. But you have all the faith in the world, all the energy, you know you’ll make it, and you’re ready to cross mountains, and oceans, fight dragons and witches until your dreams come true. You have no clue how, but you know it’ll happen. And then through lots of hard work, sleepless nights and tears you get somewhere, you start putting your prints on the track, and people slowly start listening, and believing you, believing in you and you feel like you’re half way there…

You’re not. It’s barely just the beginning. And it feels good, it does, but it’s also the toughest time. The beginning. It’s where my story ended. The moment people started believing in me, I stopped believing in myself. And we all know that to really make it, you truly need to first and foremost believe in yourself, because some days, that’s all that drives you out of bed and keeps you on your feet. Faith is stronger than coffee, anger, prejudice, bureaucracy, relatives, and the system. Faith is stronger than failure. When you believe, dreams just find a way, or a wiggly mountain path, to come true.

But it is often easier to believe in others than to believe in yourself. And if you don’t have that faith in yourself – well, that’s the end of it.

I often have to remind myself to slow down, and think smaller, because the moment an idea enters my mind, I’m already at the end of it, missing all the little details that may doom it to success or failure. It’s like I’ve already lived through it, and everything that its realization requires is too overwhelming for one person, for just me, so I automatically see it as an insurmountable mountain.

People say you’re not alone. If you only ask for help, people will be there. Perhaps. But the truth is, you ARE alone. I’ve always been alone. I’m still alone. Perhaps I haven’t asked the right people, but no one’s been there when I’ve needed them, how can I trust that this will change. And yes, I have friends, and thousands of acquaintances, I’m not talking about the people who are one click away, or who I talk to every week, or once a year. The thing is, they’re always there, but that’s just it –  they are “there”. They have their priorities and I have mine. And these priorities are different. They want different things. They work on different things. I love and respect them and their choices, but we don’t have the same goals. They can’t help me with their talents; I can’t help them with mine. Perhaps that’s the point of it all, of the human race.

Maybe I need to go back to when the world was a much smaller place for me. When everything was possible. When I didn’t have a clue, but slowly things were happening, things were going in some direction, whether I understood where or not… If only I could find the path back to this world, and find a grain of faith!

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