So close
So close, yet so far away…
Divided by time, and distance, simply divided.. united we stand!
One cause, one heart! One dream, one illusion. One path to freedom, elusive, marginal, yet tangible, in our imaginary world, it’s there – love!
Beyond time and space. Beyond our divide. Simply beyond… reality!
You lure me to a shadow world – a world of joy – I longed to believe in. I believed. And now I only long.
You grab the hand of my soul and pull – “be not afraid!” Then why are you? Or? Did I mistake your boldness for a fear? My own? So it must have been. I don’t know you yet. I only know your promises. Of beauty, and indulgence, trust and magic… Thou shalt forgive my insecurities, milord. From too much trust I lost my soul, my heart, which now belongs to you, has witnessed one too many false confessions. It threads lightly, stealthily, so hush, try not to force it to this world or that. You paint too many pretty pictures. But in a world of brutal force and false pretence I’ve learned to let the pictures move… until they settle.
20 August 2010
First Love…
Despite all the evidence I’ve gathered recently that human beings are way too inferior to know the meaning of this feeling, I still catch myself believing at times that real Love is never-ending. I know, I know, humans change, how silly of me, trying to be a “higher being” and all that crap. What am I, an elf, after all? Duh!
And yet, if real Love is the one that truly makes you move mountains and go through hell, and endure all pain, you know, endure the pain that’s called life, the never-ending, all-fulfilling, life-saving, light-bringing, heart-lightening, purpose-defining feeling, then we only love once! And forever, yes, once and forever, and we only truly love our first love! The first love that made us brace ourselves, take arms against the world, take care of our own shit instead of whining about it, and accept that we’re alone from now on… that we have always been alone, maybe without even realizing it; that every body, every other person in our life is just a filler for our brain and body. We are told we need to make sense of everything, of our little world, and we start assigning roles, and putting people in them, and think rationally, and… we forget how to be ourselves anymore, how to be true to ourselves.
Only the rare moments remain, when we make these irrational decisions to follow our hearts, to go with our gut, these moments, when the world calls us “crazy” and only we understand why we choose the rocky road as opposed to the empty freeway! The rare moments when we gush our souls out pouring tears and screams into a long forgotten love song, which, hey, we don’t really mean for anyone in particular! Anyone, but our First True Love… And how do you know it is not you?… Well, there’s a simple test – did I change my life for you? Did you change yours for me? Did we even know each other?
03 September 2009
No Second Chances
Really, it was just a job interview. It felt like a first. They always feel like a first. She was so nervous, so passionate about this job. It was the dream job she’s been hoping for ever since day one in this town.
Just when whatever small piece left of her heart was ready to explode, she thought of another excitement to add to her life. An excitement, not necessarily a positive one. A date. And then her rational mind just started listing them all – all the losses, that she never really found the time or reason to grieve for, and the other losses, the unreal ones, that she was already grieving for… all the injustice in the world – how some people have it real easy in life – financially, or just because they happened to be born in the “right” family. Well, that’s stupid – she knew it, yet it felt that way so many times… All the anger that you eventually learn to let go of.
I guess that’s how you feel when you “unroot” yourself from your “forest”, and go out chasing the wind. But catching the wind is not enough, really, because sometimes you get caught up in achieving the perfection you yearned for, and you forget why you even started – to have fun, no? To see what life has to offer? To take the bull by the horns, but not be afraid to fall, to climb again, to fall again, to climb again…
No, everything had to be final in her life. Final decisions, final choices – what’s done is done, no second chances…. Why was it so hard to accept that there are second chances in life?
Well, maybe because in reality you almost never get a second chance. When you die, you don’t come back from the dead. Well, Jesus did, they teach you, but hey, you ain’t Jesus, and neither is the loser you used to date up until a few months ago. People don’t come back. Dead people stay dead. Which is why you try so hard not to screw it up the first time around. Remember K-Pax? “So you better get it right this time around, because this time is all you have!”
05 June 2009
Спонтанно от дълги години
“Will you carry me down the aisle that final day”
– I’ve already done that so many times. Why not once more?
“With your tears and cold hands shaking from the weight”
– Like it has ever ceased – it hasn’t.
“When you lower me down beneath that sky of gray
Let the rain fall down and wash away your pain.”
– Не, няма.
“Защо?”
– Защото не искам. Опитах. Опитвах хиляда и осемдесет и една нощи до днес, и може и да продължа да опитвам, а знам че е безсмислено. Дъждът никога не отми болката и никога няма, неспособен е. Има само един начин. Дни наред и поколения от време в лутане и търсене, а единственият цяр е все пред мен, всяка нощ, във всеки безплътен и недосегаем сън… си Ти. В лъжи и самозаблуждения се живее – завърташ се на другата страна и заспиваш. Тази нощ. Не срещаш въпросителните неразбиращи очи на човека, който нараняваш до себе си. Не си себе си. Твоето себе си е отдавна отлетяло в сън за щастие… с Теб. Сън… за Нас.
AllyVRK's Reflections 